Ravings of a Lunatic Jersey Girl

Aunt Jodeeee. There are bears!!!!! is what I heard when I picked up the phone last night. My nephew was soooo excited. Apparently there was a momma and a baby bear right up at their fence in the backyard! I wasn't surprised, since there was a bear a month or so ago in their neighbor's backyard. But, this was a little closer than I, for one, would have liked. My brother, Rochelle, and her brother didn't seem concerned about it. But, I worry about Bailey Doodle (the dog) getting attacked. Apparently, though, Bailey went up to the fence where they were to say "hello" and the bear didn't do anything. And other neighbors came by to see and were like 40 ft from the bears. Are they stupid or something?? I mean, they're lovely to watch. From AFAR. Mike said they were just hanging out on the deck and watching them. Which is fine because they at least have the fence and if they see the bears start to climb the fence, they would have time to get inside. But, the neighbors were on the other side of the fence. The side where the bears were. Not very smart, in my opinion. I mean, if that momma bear decided that her cub was being threatened, you know she'd attack like crazy. It's what momma bears do.

Benjamin is a riot, though. He has been telling me about his neighbor, Mr. Gomer, and the bear in his backyard since it happened. I swear I must have heard the story 10 times already. But he gets so excited to tell it, I, of course, am more than willing to listen. He tells everyone he meets about Mr. Gomer and the BIG BLACK bear, as he puts it. Strangers in the store or diner. Everyone! That kid just makes me laugh all.the.time. Saturday we bbq'd at Mike and Roch's because my cousin Marc is visiting from California. Mike bought Jammer a little blow-up swimming pool and it was sitting on the deck. Jammer was too funny in it. He wouldn't let me in because I didn't have a bathing suit (not that I was going to sit in it, of course, but just walk around in it). I was allowed, though, to sit in a deck chair and put my legs in it. So, he had these little fishing poles to catch plastic fish with. I was fishing and he would grab the line. I would then reel "the biggest fish in my pond" in and he would launch himself into my arms, soaking wet, to be hugged. It was so damn cute. And I couldn't have cared less that I was getting wet. I mean, besides the fact that it was almost 100 degrees and it felt good, I would get soaked in 10 degree weather for Benjamin. Then he decided he didn't want to wear his bathing suit and proceeded to take off all of his clothes and spend the rest of the day/night naked. It was way too funny. Thursday, I believe, the entire family is traipsing down to Pt. Pleasant for the day. Should be interesting and not the least bit relaxing. LOL.

I think it's insulting and ridiculous that I have to take a class on stuff I've been doing for 6 years, AND, more importantly, that I helped develop the curriculum for said class. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh. They're kicking my ass. Last night I had girls' night at my friend Nina's, and she has a cat. So, in addition to my hayfever, that's been out-of-control crazy the past few days, that kicked it up a notch. Enough so that I had to take a Benedryl as soon as I got home last night and wound up oversleeping today. Today I had to take my mom to get her nails done. It was a task I was more than happy to do. It's so good to see her up and around and doing normal things, albeit dragging a little oxygen tank w/her for when she walks. But, for the most part, she doesn't even really need that. When I think of where we were a couple of weeks ago....wow!

I was thinking about phone calls the other day. How life can completely change with one ring of the phone. That's happened to me now twice in my life. The first was almost exactly 5 years ago. Can you believe I just flew right past that anniversary and didn't even think about it? Actually, I don't even remember the exact date, since I've long since taken it out of my calendar. I always thought it would be a date I would never want to remember. But, actually, of all of the signficant dates on the calendar that we had in our 7 1/2 years together, THAT one, the LAST one is probably the most important, and in all actuality, the best one. It's the day I gained my freedom. It's the day I finally stood up for myself and refused to be treated like shit any longer. It's the day that I finally had enough of his bullshit and lies and told him so. It was liberation day. It should be celebrated, I think, not forgotten. Or, really, forgotten is probably better, in the end. Better for me that all dates become completely insignificant and no longer hold any special meaning. September 29? Just another fall day. October 4. Another beautiful October day. April whatever it was? A gorgeous spring day full of hope and renewal. October 29. Nothing to do with me, per se. BUT, it IS the day I realized how lucky I was. How lucky I'M not the one married to a serial cheater and liar. How lucky it wasn't MY relationship that started off based on lies that was now doomed for divorce court someday, instead of just an ugly and hurtful breakup. That phone call, that day in April five years ago, was the best phone call I probably ever got. Oh, I certainly didn't think so at the time. But, as I look back on my life of the past 5 years, I can see it so much more clearly now. That phone call changed my life in so many awesome ways. I now have a group of friends that I absolutely adore and who absolutely adore me. I never would have met them, had it not been for that phone call. I've experienced some relationship ups and downs, which I needed to do for my own growth and experience that I never would have done, had it not been for that phone call. To be honest, I've had the most amazing physical relationship with someone that I never would have had had it not been for that phone call. Hell, I wouldn't even have known just how good it could be, since apparently what I had was so incredibly lacking and I didn't even know it at the time.

So, then, a few weeks ago, I had another life-changing phone call. I haven't yet figured out how that one is going to ultimately change my life. I think, perhaps, it started to, but I'm not sure how permanent those changes are. However, I think it should be interesting to watch. Granted, I wish we never had to go through the weeks that we did, but perhaps it happened for the greater good. Perhaps it happened to force change to occur. Just like that first phone call. And that first phone call created so much hurt and anger and utter sadness at first. But, now look at it. It's created an amazing life that I never would have had. Perhaps this last phone call can do the same. In a completely different way. I guess you never know what could happen.

However, all that being said, I don't need any more life-changing phone calls for awhile now. So...maybe I'll just turn off my ringer. ;-)

There is little that makes me happier in this world than going to see Bon Jovi play. I don't know why. Because I love their music and it always just feels "right" when I'm caught up in that energy? Because Jon Bovi is fucking gorgeous and I could watch him all.night.long? Because when I'm singing and dancing, I finally feel alive and comfortable in my own skin? I don't know what it is. I just know that without fail, the day after one of their shows, I am so pumped. I feel that concert "high". And that when I go months or years w/out seeing them, I long for that "high" again. When I'm feeling sad and life is sucking, I just KNOW that going to a show will make those bad feelings go away for at least 2 hours.

So, my boys are coming back for the final two shows of the tour. For some fucked up reason, they're closing at MSG. I haven't seen them at MSG in years. I don't even remember the last time I saw them there. I was totally looking forward to the energy at Giants Stadium. Nothing can compare to the two shows I saw there 2 years ago. There was that amazing lightening storm when it was 104 degrees and the stadium was just totally rocking. And then there was the next night where they made up for having to end the previous night early because of the lightening. I have seen them somewhere around 30 times and those two shows were THE BEST YET. Giants Stadium may not be the best place for a concert. But you CANNOT deny the energy that gets whipped up in that stadium.

Oh well. As long as I get to see them, that's all that matters. I hope I can find peeps to go with me. I don't want to go alone to MSG. Giants Stadium I did alone. The Rock I would have done alone. But, don't want to go into the city and see them at MSG alone. AND, I want to see them both nights. That's the other problem. They're only doing 2 nights at a smaller arena. They're going to sell out. That's going to suck.

My father used to tell me that I'm lazy and always looking for an "easy" fix to my problems. For instance, instead of working hard to lose weight by eating right and exercising, he said that I was waiting for a "magic pill." I can't say he was always wrong. Because yeah, if a "magic pill" came along, I'd be at the front of the line to take it. And there ARE times where I just don't have the motivation to do what I need to do. But, that doesn't mean that over the years I haven't gotten off my fat ass and tried to do something about my weight and health. Hell, if I hadn't, I'd weigh 600 pounds by now, probably, and not even be able to get out of a chair. And my reasons behind NOT doing what I need to do, at times, is not because of laziness. It's because some inner force is keeping me from being motivated. PROBABLY, something to do with my parents and their treatment of me as a child.

I have found that there's no such thing as an easy fix. Not when it comes to your mental well being. I was just telling someone on one of my message boards that I wish there were a medical way to fix my mind. That's just not possible. Because there's nothing medically wrong with my mind. Well, other than the depression, which IS chemical-based. The only way to fix the rest, though, is through therapy. Some might disagree. And that's fine. To each his own. I can say this, though. Therapy is by no means easy. It is hard as fucking hell. It is slow. Very slow. It takes a lot of hard work. It can be really, really painful. I've started looking at it in a couple of different ways. The first way is like with a bone marrow transplant. In order to do a bone marrow transplant, the patient has to go through an intense week or so of chemotherapy and then radiation, completely wiping out their immune system. Bring it down to 0. And then you get your transplant and start to build up a new immune system. A BETTER one that will hopefully keep the disease away from your body. Sometimes I feel like that's what I need to do in therapy. I keep finding new things to work on, new things that need "fixing". And so sometimes I think that it would be better to bring my body down to 0. Start over fresh. Finally face everything that I have ever been afraid of and hurt over that has made me what I am today. Torture me and bring me to the point of no return, just like w/the pre-transplant therapy, and rid my body of all of the pain and hurt, and then start over new.
And believe me that would be NO EASY FIX!!

The second way I've been looking at it is as a wound that needs to heal. And sometimes it's not enough to put a bandaid over it until it scabs and eventually heals. Little scratches you can do that with. Little hurts heal much more quickly than the ones that are so deep you almost can't see their depth. Those wounds, I think, need to be constantly opened and cleaned, until they can finally start to heal. Because they can develop a scab or a scar over them, but they've never truly been healed. Just covered up. And maybe the wounds from my childhood that are affecting so many different parts of my world today, need to be constantly opened and cleaned, and then they can FINALLY be given a chance to heal in the right way. And boy does that hurt to do keep doing. But, I think that either way, it's going to hurt. I would just rather that hurt actually go towards fixing something, rather than just be something that hurts everytime the rain comes or when something hits it. Once it's fully healed, it can no longer hurt. And that's what I'm trying to do.

My ex used to tell me that my idea of a relationship was a fairytale. That life doesn't work the way that I seemed to think it should, and that I live in a dreamworld. This morning, as homework from group last night, I sat down to write up a list of the things that I want in a relationship. I was not to worry about fairytales or not. Just what I would be happy with, in a relationship. And you know what? The list I came up with, in my opinion anyway, was not only pretty damn good, but it was pretty damn realistic too. And I started to think and wonder why on earth Paul would ever think that my idea of a relationship was a fairytale. And I started to realize that it was because to him, a REAL relationship WAS a fairytale. Because to him, fidelity is a fairytale. It's not possible for a serial cheater to be faithful. So, yeah, a relationship, the kind I really truly want (and am starting to actually believe I deserve) would never, EVER have worked with him. Because as I looked through my list of wants and needs (of which there were 9), I started to realize that we didn't have 4 out of the 9 things. And I also realized that of those 9, there are none that I can compromise on or live without.

Now, my reason for writing this list had really nothing to do with Paul, except to discount the whole fairytale bullshit concept (which, by the way, it totally did). The reason was that my current "relationship" is so undefined and so up-in-the-air as to what it is, where it's at, and where it's going, that it was time for ME to decide exactly what it is that I want. And if he can give me what I want and need, then awesome. Great. I will be a really happy girl. And if he can't, well, I won't be happy, of course. Because while it's a list of the things I want in a relationship with any man I get involved with, most particularly, I want them with HIM. But, if he can't, or, more likely, won't, give them to me, then I have no choice to move on. Because, like I said, there is no compromising on that list. It's not a ridiculous list. It's not asking for too much or more than I deserve. And so if he can't or won't give them to me, then I need to be free to find the person that can and will. And will want to. I'm not saying that it isn't going to hurt. Hell, it hurts already. But, it can't possibly hurt more than I've already been hurting. And, at least then, I will know that eventually, the hurt will go away.

What are the things I want/need in a serious relationship:

1. Some type of communication every day, even if it's a text that just says "Hi. I'm thinking about you." We don't need an hour-long conversation every day. Just an acknowledgment that we're thinking about each other.

2. Seeing each other at least once a week. This could include going out OR staying in, although going out at least a couple times a month is preferable.

3. Meeting each other's family and friends. If we're serious about being in a relationship with each other, then being a true part of each other's lives is important.

4. Being able to TALK to each other. Not just about mundane, everyday stuff, although that is definitely a good thing. But, being able to tell the other one when we're upset, either with them, or with something else.

5. Knowing that the person you're with is always there for you, whenever you need them. Whether it's to cry in their arms or celebrate.

6. Feeling safe with each other. Knowing that if you're mad at me, you'll talk to me about it and we can work it out. And vice versa. Not being afraid to tell someone that something is bothering you.

7. Being "ourselves" in bed. Not feeling uncomfortable, but if you DO feel uncomfortable doing something or with something the other person has done, being able to address it and fix it.

8. Sex at least once a week, if not more. Doesn't necessarily have to be intercourse every time. But, just so we both experience pleasure and enjoyment of being with each other.

I am soooo tired. I don't know if it's daylight savings kicking my ass? If it's all of the feeling of emotions that I've experienced over the past week finally wearing me down? If I'm just getting crappy sleep when I do sleep? Maybe it's a combo of all of that?

Yesterday, after my meltdown, which, by the way, was more out of frustration than depression, I got myself dressed and OUT of the house. I went out and did errands (some successful, some not) and then wound up having dinner w/the parental units and then to the airport to pick up Robbin and drive her home. I didn't wind up getting home until 11:30 or so (Robbin and I commiserated over ice cream and talked for awhile). Today, I feel like I'm totally dragging. I wanted so badly to stay home and in bed all day. But, I know that that's sadness talking and it's better for me to be at work, even if I'm still sad and really, really tired. The sadness is no longer overwhelming and all-consuming. It's still there. I know that the tears are not all that far away. But, they're not constant and I'm not feeling that devastated feeling, at the moment. I'm hoping that feeling is gone for awhile. The more days that go by without feeling it, the further I away I hope it is. I did good things this weekend. I took care of myself. I forced myself to leave the house and stay away from the computer (where I would be obsessing). I'm still really sad. I'm missing him. But, I also know that if he truly cared about me, he wouldn't treat me the way he does. And if I have any self-respect whatsoever, I should not let him treat me this way. I know I have that inside me. It just needs to be present way more than it is.

I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about the word "bitch." How there are two different "types" of bitch that a woman can be. There's the bad connotation that she's whiny and bossy and judgmental and basically just the kind of person no one wants to be around. And then there's the kind that is strong and stands up for herself and demands to be treated with respect. And that is NOT a bad kind of bitch to be. That's the kind that I want to be. Oh, sometimes I can definitely be the bad bitch. And when it's against someone I would not want to hurt, I don't see it as a problem to BE the bad bitch. But, moreso, I'd like to be the "good" bitch. Because why shouldn't I be treated with respect?? I realized, the more I listened to the radio program that I have let way too many people (men AND women) just walk over me. And how can they possibly respect someone that lets other people just walk over them. And why did I do it? Because I'm so afraid of not being liked. I'm so afraid of someone being angry with me and leaving. But, you know what? If someone leaves, then why on earth would I want that person in my life in the first place? If they don't have the guts to deal with the problem and work to fix it, then I don't want that person in my life. Because I am working my fucking ASS off in therapy every fucking week. And I'll be damned if I'll let someone else continually undermine the progress that I am trying so hard to make. So, I CANNOT allow Kevin to do the things to me that he has done. No, I don't think he has done it intentionally. I don't think that he is a cruel or malicious person who intentionally hurts me. However, that doesn't mean that it's ok that he does. When a drunk person gets behind the wheel of their car and hits and kills someone, I am sure they didn't leave the house intending on killing someone that day. But, the end result is the same. Intention or not, someone is dead. And I'm sure that Kevin doesn't stay away or ignore me because he's intentionally trying to hurt me. I think that that's just the only way of "communicating" that he knows. Disappear until it has blown over. Stay away until the bad feelings are gone. But, intentional or not, THAT hurts me. Because it triggers my abandonment issues. It triggers my feelings of not feeling important in his life. Of being so peripheral that I can just be tossed aside, like unwanted clothes, without a second thought. And that hurts me. Doesn't matter whether it's intentional or not. End result is still the same. And the only way that is ever going to change is for me to finally stand up for myself and say "Hey. It is NOT ok for you to treat me this way. It is NOT ok to disrespect me in this way." And he may not like me saying that, but it's me respecting myself. And how will he, or anyone else in this world respect me, if I don't even have enough respect for myself. Thinking back on why I didn't leave Paul after the first or even second time he cheated, I now realize it's because I thought I didn't deserve any better and I didn't have enough respect for myself. Why should he have stopped cheating, if I was willing to forgive, over and over again. If I had an even ounce of respect for myself and had truly FELT inside that I deserved better, I would have been gone the first time he cheated. And I would have done it for me. And yeah, even it doesn't matter one iota of a little bit, he would have had more respect for me, because I would have had more respect for myself. And maybe if I had said to Kevin after the first time he pulled this non-communicating bullshit that this behavior is disrespectful to me, instead of just saying that it hurts me when he does this (which is still good that I even said that), he would have had more respect for me and been more inclined to try to work on it. But, I think after a year of this, it's probably too late. I DO NOT want anyone to think that they have the right to just walk all over me. I am NO ONE'S doormat. Not my parents. Not Kevin. Not any of my friends. And it's time I really started putting that into practice. And, if it means less people in my life, because they can't handle me being strong and respecting of myself, so be it. Don't want them in my life anyway.

So, I just had myself a cleansing (???) hysterical, feeling oh so sorry for myself cryfest. It's freezing in my bedroom. I barely slept last night because it was like a tornado hitting and the fucking plastic over my windows was flapping so much, it kept me awake. And then I had to keep getting up because the double-sided tape SUCKS and kept coming undone, thus defeating the purpose of the plastic. So, not only was the plastic making tons of noise, but it was freezing in the bedroom. Then Cupid woke up at an ungodly hour and has not stopped screaming or squeeking since he woke up. It's making me crazy. As is being in this apartment. I need to get out and go somewhere. But, I have nowhere to go. I have no money, so I can't go shopping. I DO have to go to TJ Maxx to return some stuff, so I can do that. I had thought about heading to Barnes and Noble and just vegging out there w/a book. I just feel this need to be out of my apartment, despite the fact that it totally needs to be cleaned. But, I'm just not feeling any motivation whatsoever to do that. I need to be where I'm not thinking. I've been doing better, the past couple of days. Last weekend was horrific, as was the better part of this week. Friday and Saturday were ok, though. I was starting to think with my head and not my heart. Which is why I need to be away from my apartment. More specifically, away from my computer. Because my heart is fighting to take control and it needs to stay quiet for a little while longer. I hate to say this, but I really think I need to become more like my father and think and rule my life only with my head. Because that's the smartest part of me. My heart...eh, it's pretty damn stupid. Ok. I'm going to go get dressed and get out of this house. I know crying is good and feeling these feelings are good. But I need a break from them. He is not worth shedding any of the tears I have shed over him and I do NOT want to waste anymore on him.

Those white doves are back. I don't think they ever really went anywhere. But, now they're constantly hanging out on my air conditioner and fire escape. I'm not sure which is worse. Being woken up after a shitty night's sleep (which is every night, by the way) by Cupid screaming his little head off, or the doves landing heavily on the air conditioner and scaring me awake. I don't know what to do to keep them from coming back to my apartment. Last year when they were there, and built their home and had their babies, I thought it was the coolest thing. It was cool to watch nature right outside my window. It was cool that they picked ME. I felt special. Because I thought for sure, that this was a sign. That white doves meant peace and love and that this was a definite sign that peace and love were heading my way. Ha! What a fucking joke. Peace and love? For me? Not going to happen. Now they're back. And I want them gone. Because the illusion of what they represent is no longer there. I've been proven wrong, yet again. And now all they represent is misguidance and misunderstanding and hurt and betrayal. They annoy me with their sounds. They wake me up with their hard landings. They're going to ruin my air conditioner yet again. They brought me NO love and no peace. What's the point of them being there? WHY did they choose me? Just to torture me? To make me believe and then ruin that belief, yet again? Or, are they simply just birds that go where they felt safe and comfortable. Ha! Safe and comfortable with ME? Well, that's a fucking joke. I can't get the humans to stay, and I can't get the birds to leave. What does that MEAN? And why must there be meaning to it. Why can't it just be what it is. The birds like my fire escape. The birds like my air conditioner. They're safe off the ground where no predictors can get them. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. As simple as that. The world does not revolve around me, as much as I seem to think it does. I need to be selfish, though. I love the white doves. I loved that they had their family last year on my fire escape. But I don't want them here this year. I need to not have that hope renewed. Because my heart hurts too much as it is. It needs to heal. They need to go away. Hell, maybe "I" need to go away.

In the spirit of documenting both bad and good days, I would just like to document that today was a fucking awesome amazingly fantastic day. There aren't too many of those, so I plan to hold onto it with both hands!!!! Go GIANTS!!!!!

so I stole from Lisa..............

YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... You're on my list, so I want to know you better! So if you've time and inclination, fill 'er out.

BE HONEST!
COPY FROM HERE THEN SEND DIRECTLY TO ME IN A COMMENT THEN,



1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.
5) Favorite vegetable?
A.
6) What was the last book you read?
A.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.
8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
A.
9) Worst habit?
A.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A.
12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude?
A.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.
16) Do you have any pets?
A.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.
18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.
35) Do you believe in God?
A.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

Well, I made a doctor appointment with my general practitioner. Unfortunately she can't see me until next Monday. It's time for my yearly physical. And I've also not been feeling all that well. My blood pressure is up and it won't come down. It was actually normal when I got my colposcopy (go figure, that was sooo stressful), but since then has been perpetually high. So, I want to talk to her about that. And I've been having some pain that worries me a bit. I just feel generally so unhealthy. I don't exercise anymore. I eat like shit. I would be so happy if I never had to eat again. If I could take a pill for all of my nutrients and would keep me from feeling hungry, and didn't have to have food as a factor. But, life isn't like that. It's all about decisions and choices. And I have to start making the right ones for my health before its too late. I just called my doctor back to see if she had an earlier appointment, but she doesn't. I did ask them to call me if they have any cancellations. I mean, I'm not panicking or anything, but if there IS something wrong, I'd much rather go and see her than have to go to a clinic or the hospital and see someone who doesn't know me, etc.

I have another trip to the ob/gyn next month to have my now every-three-month exam. Let's cross our fingers that it comes out normal. Or, at least with no change from the last time. I really don't want to have another colposcopy. That was NOT a pleasant experience.

In other news, I signed up for my third PREPARE class!! Who would have thought, when I signed up that first time 3 years ago, that I would willingly AND with much excitement, I might add, sign up for a 3rd time!! I LOVE the feeling I get from that class. The empowered fuck you feeling. Both times I've taken it, so far, I've learned new things about myself. I'm actually excited to see what I learn this time. And I get to do lots of fighting, which ALWAYS makes me feel better. I think Gia is right when she says I need to find myself a kickboxing class, so that I can just pound the hell out of the bag. I prefer the padded man, though. Hearing that contact, watching him go down, hearing the grunts when I hit him particularly hard. You just don't get that from a punching bag. Know what I mean? I've had a lot of anger in me these past few months. Which, of course, I much prefer to the sadness. But, it's no more healthy to have that than it is to be sad all of the time. So, it needs to come out. And the best way I know of is to pound the hell out of the instructors. Fun times! ;-)

I feel so sick. I feel like I'm going to puke at any given moment. I just took some Emetrol, but it seems to have made me feel worse! I ate dinner at like 6:00 and I still feel full. So, obviously something is wrong. It's 1:40 a.m. and I can't sleep. Besides the nausea, my heart feels like it's skipping a beat when I lie down. I just haven't been feeling "right" for days now. I'm going to have to call the doctor on Monday. I'm soooo tired, but I just can't fall asleep. I lie down and I'm wide awake. I think I'll take a couple of Tylenol PM's in a few minutes. I haven't been sleeping well at all this whole week and I really could use a full night's sleep. I don't have to be anywhere until noon tomorrow, so even if I take them now, I can get a full eight hours. I just hate feeling sick. And we all know about my phobia about puking.

84% Hillary Clinton
82% Barack Obama
80% John Edwards
80% Chris Dodd
75% Bill Richardson
70% Joe Biden
66% Dennis Kucinich
65% Mike Gravel
48% Rudy Giuliani
43% Tom Tancredo
42% Mitt Romney
36% John McCain
30% Fred Thompson
28% Mike Huckabee
22% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

Ok, so....so far this year, I've had a flat tire, my bedroom tv is on the fritz, my microwave is dead, and the heat in my apartment hasn't been working very well (55 degrees in the living room/63 in the bedroom).

But...I was able to safely get to the side of the road and into a parking lot when my tire went flat, AAA came w/in a half an hour or so, the tire was able to be patched so it only cost $20, my brother is giving me his old 19" tv from his bedroom to use until I can buy a new tv for the living room and move the 27" into the bedroom (that's all dependant on my job situation), my brother also has their old microwave from their townhouse for me to take, Cupid was able to go stay with my parents last night so I don't have to worry about him freezing and getting sick in our apartment, and I was warm and toasty under the covers last night (thank GOD for my down comforter).

Lessons learned...somethings things go wrong and suck, but there's almost always a bright side to the situation. You just have to look to find it. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's a lot harder to find and takes some real searching and digging. But, nine times out of ten, it's there.

I'm so tired. I had a nice New Year's Eve. I went with Robbin to her sister's house for a party. It was all families w/their kids and then Robbin and me. But, it was still fun. Lots of good food and all of the people there were nice. The kids were totally out of control. But, that's not too surprising, considering it was way past their bedtimes and they were loaded with sugar. In any case, we had a nice time. I don't know that I'd do it again, as I'd rather be with all of my friends, or at least other single people. I just don't have all that much in common w/married w/kids people. But, it was an ok New Year's. Lots of confetti at midnight, a little drinking, and now it's 2008. I stayed at Robbin's last night, but we probably didn't get to sleep until somewhere around 2:00 or so. Was up around 9:30. But, I'm still tired. We had some of our friends over and played Taboo and ate and ate and ate some more. LOL. Unfortunately, on my way home, I got a flat tire while on rt. 22. Luckily, AAA came pretty quickly (about 1/2 an hour or so) and the guy was really nice. I gave him a $10 tip and was on my way. Now I'm home and feel like I just want to get into bed. I don't really have any feelings one way or the other towards it being 2008. Well, that's probably not true. There probably ARE feelings there that I'm just not in touch with at the moment. 2007 was a mixed year. Some of it was really, really amazing and good. Some of it was pits of hell bad. I'm so ready for just a calm year without those high highs and low lows. Something just sort of "there," if that makes any sense. I just am hoping that the drama can be kept to a minimum, that I continue getting stronger and standing up for myself and growing and changing as I have been. I'm determined to "finish" this work that I started so long ago. Whatever it takes. And hopefully I'll be able to make healthy choices this year. Healthier than I have in the past. It's going to be hard. And it's probably going hurt at times. But, in the end, it's all for the greater good. You've got to go through hell before you get to heaven, right???

I knew it wouldn't last. LOL. I cleaned for 2 days straight and finished only half of the apartment. I only cleaned half of the living room and have completely lost my cleaning desire. That's a problem, since my living room is currently in a state of disarray. Oh well. At least I got half of the apartment done. Better than nothing, right? LOL.

Not sure what my plans are yet for tonight. I'm supposed to go to Jonny's to watch the Giants/Patriots game. Not sure yet if I'm going to go. I may stay at home and watch it here. It will depend how I'm feeling later, I think. I may, however, go out and pick up some snacks, etc., in case I do wind up staying home. I'm so tired from all of the cleaning and feeling drowsy. Not to mention, my back is hurting a bit. So, we'll see. Tomorrow is the postponed Hanukkah party at Mike and Rochelle's. It should be fun. It's her whole family, so that's always interesting. Right now I have no plans for Monday during the day. However, Stacy, Rob and the kids are here and might be hanging out w/Mike, Roch, and Jammer on Monday, so perhaps I'll see them. If not, I'm fine with just relaxing until I go to New Year's with Robbin. We're going to her sister's house for a party. I'm not all that into going, since it's just going to be families and couples and then me and Robbin. But, I like to do "something" on New Year's, and that's better than nothing. I'm staying over at Robbin's that night and then we're having brunch at her house with the girls. I'm sure that will be nice.

I can't believe my vacation is almost over. I feel like I need more time. However, considering I may be getting laid off in the next couple of months, I may actually GET that time and I won't be too pleased about it. So, I probably shouldn't wish for more time off. Ask and ye shall receive, right???

Ok, I'm outta here. Gonna run to the market.

So, the cleaning/purging frenzy has begun. I started in the bedroom, because I feel like that's where most of my "crap" has landed. I went through every drawer, every piece of paper, took everything out of the closet, etc. What I wound up with was 2 FULL bags of garbage, 2 bags of books/tapes/crap for rummage, and a bag of clothes for donation. The room feels "lighter" if that makes any sense. I totally emptied out the 4 crates I had underneath my tv, so it really DOES look lighter. I threw out like 3 pairs of old sneakers, boots, shoes I don't wear, etc., so my closet is organized and neat. And my drawers are empty of anything that I don't think I'll someday need. Every little inch has been cleaned, dusted, and vacuumed. It feels very clean in there. Tomorrow I will move onto the hall closet. Luckily I already did the deep hall closet when I put away the camping stuff, so that doesn't need to be done. The other hall closet has clothes I NEVER wear and probably never will, my boxes from home and a whole bunch of miscellaneous crap that can probably be thrown out. After that will be the linen closet and the bathroom. I'm sure there are meds in my medicine cabinet that are totally out of date and need to be chucked. Then the living room, which will be the second hardest compared to the bedroom. It's not all that dusty because I just vacuumed and dusted, but there's a lot of stuff that I moved from the bedroom to the living that needs to be filed and I'm going to go through my video tapes and probably get rid of the majority of them.

I really don't know why I feel this need to purge. It's almost like I'm getting ready for something. Making room for something. No one is moving in. And I don't anticipate acquiring a lot of new "stuff," so I'm really not sure where this drive is coming from. I wonder if my sudden feeling of being "weighed down" has something to do with it. That if I can get rid of "stuff" I'll feel lighter? I mean, I can understand wanting to go throw all of the little chotchkes (sp??) that collect dust and get rid of some of them. But, I'm going through stuff I never see. Things in drawers and cabinets. I just really feel this drive to "lighten my load" and I don't know why. I have no plans to move. Although honestly if I were to move, packing would be a whole lot easier now.

So, anyway, the bedroom is finished. It took the entire day. Well, I didn't REALLY start until around 2:00 or so, so not the WHOLE day. But, from about 2:00 until 10:00, with a couple of hour break for dinner. I didn't plan for the whole apartment to take more than a day, so I'll just keep plucking away tomorrow and Saturday. Sunday I have a Hanukkah party at Mike and Roch's, so that day is shot. Now I'm exhausted and want to go to sleep.

I don't have all that much to say. I've been busy "working" on myself. I've been learning a lot these past few weeks and have become very determined to get this "stuff" done already. I love Gia and I think she's a great therapist, but it's up to me to get this work done and I've been in a holding pattern for a long time now. Maybe the stuff I've been needing to do was too scary and it was easier to just fall back into old patterns? I think, though, that the more practice I have, the less scary it will become. Not everyone in the world will react as my parents did. So, in any case, I've been doing a lot of writing and self-reflection, etc., but have kept it all private. It's not stuff that I feel like I want to share with everyone out there. I'll just share the end results and the changes in behavior. ;-)

Work is sooooo boring. I am finished with all 2007 work and don't have much yet for 2008. The office is like a ghost town. I'm officially done for the year as of Friday. I'm working, but will probably take off early. And am then off all next week and the 31st and 1st. I wish I had saved enough vacation time to take off this week, too. There's only so much web surfing a girl can do. LOL

Next week I'm cleaning out my apartment. As much as I'd love to sleep my vacation away, I need to be productive. So, I'm going to go through the entire apartment and start throwing shit out. I have so much useless stuff that just sits around in drawers or collecting dust. I feel the need to "lighten my load." I'm not planning to move or anything. I'm just so tired of looking at it all of the time. And all of the dust it creates. I hate cleaning, and so the more I have to dust, the more unhappy I am and the less I want to clean. So, if I can get rid of a lot of stuff, it will be easier to keep the apartment neater-looking and hopefully cleaner.

Anyway, I'm going to get going to go look at glasses now. I just can't sit here anymore. LOL.